the pattyo

***Ah, the Olde Ego

(Somehow adding the “e” to old made it seem … I dunno … more creative. Silly me.)

But anyway, on to the topic at hand: I like to pretend I’m humble. I like to pretend I play music because I love it (which I do!) and not for kudos of any sort. I especially like to pretend that I don’t care about reviews.

Mostly, I like to lie to myself.

What did I do this morning, first thing? Checked the reviews!

Yup. There you have it — the real me. Always looking for a compliment. Always hoping for validation.

The San Jose Mercury News did not provide any validation. Such is life. But I was mentioned in a review by Hertlendy, former reviewer of the Merc, and he said “The Rossini boasted attractive solos by English horn player Patricia Mitchell and cellist Cheryl Fippen.” Whoo hoo!

If only he’d written The Rossini boasted solos by the attractive English horn player Patricia Mitchell and cellist Cheryl Fippen.”

Guess I can’t have everything, though, can I?

Still, the concert did go well, and I was actually happy with my solo. Rest assured, for me to be happy takes a lot! So there are two options: 1) I really did play well or 2) I blocked it out because it was so horrible I couldn’t face it.

And since I don’t fully believe reviewers, I don’t know what to go with right now!
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***The Same Ramble

It would be silly of me to go on about the concert I’m involved in at this site when I’ve already done so at My Oboe Site, yes? So I won’t. But let me just say that it sure is a thrill to be under the baton of a great conductor!
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***Um … okay … right

I was listening to a Santa Cruz radio station on my way to UCSC Tuesday. They had an ad on for ride sharing. Sounds like a great idea to me; it’s good for the environment (they mentioned that), it’s good for traffic congestion (they mentioned that), it’s good for stress relief (they mentioned that), it’s good for … what’s that? … gossip!? Yes, indeed, the ad also said it was a great time to gossip.

Hmmm. Last I knew, lots of folks gossiped but not many wanted to admit it and certainly no one I know of thinks of it as a great way to pass the time nor of something that makes commuting with others a more favorable thing to do.

Have I gone out of my mind? Is gossip commendable? Is it worthy of my time?

I will confess to having been a Queen of Gossip for many, many years. Even now I fight the urge, and sometimes fail, to talk about other folks in order to make myself seem better, or smarter, or maybe just more “in the know” so to speak. But I never bragged about the fact that I excelled in something so repugnant.

I think I’m sounding very old here.

***Something else

Forgiveness. Reconciliation.

These are two words I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. These are things I feel should be a part of my life. They are about my heart attitude. They are about my responsibility. They are not a burden, but a blessing.

Forgiveness frees me up rather than weighing me down. What the other person does with that isn’t truly my business, although, of course, I prefer that others forgive me as well. But if I don’t forgive … then I am in the wrong. And certainly if i can’t or won’t forgive someone for a wrong done to me I can’t expect others to forgive me.

As far as reconciliation is concerned I think I’m required to do my best, but I can’t have expectations about the other person. Reconciliation takes time. If I was the one in the wrong and I ask forgiveness I can’t simply expect everything to be back to “normal” immediately. Healing takes time. But I do believe I’m responsible for attempting to reconcile. If I was in the “right” (but how often is one person entirely wrong while the other is entirely right?) I believe I am required to attempt reconciliation if the other individual seeks it.

This is just a ramble because these words are on my mind.

And that’s how I see it anyway. I could be wrong …? I think this whole post is sounding holier than thou and that’s not what I meant it to be … (sigh) …
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***Easter Blessings to each and all

He is Risen!

He is Risen, indeed!

(For me, it isn’t about the eggs and rabbits.)

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***The Mystery

The arms spread out, the blend of blood
and muscle: these spell love? Death hangs
in front of us, and staring, still
we do not comprehend. What seems
the ending, in the future will
become the answer to our curse
and a beginning to new life.
But now our eyes are blinded, ears
are closed, the mirror not just dim
but blackened. We can’t understand.
Then, later, one large stone is moved
and linen seen; the empty tomb
the evidence that all he said
was true, the mystery revealed.

pem 7/99

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A view from the Student Center area.
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This park is in the center of the campus.
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Okay … not everyone will be brave enough to hug an anteater statue as cars are driving by.

Kelsey is the brave sort.
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***Irvine

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***Oh John

I learned this afternoon of the death of a friend. It’s hard to know just what to write; we weren’t close, but I loved him. He seemed uncomfortable in his skin to me, but that could only be my incorrect observation. He was a good writer … or great writer … yes, I think great. He wrote a wonderful tale called Butterbritches that had yet to be completed. Now we’ll never know the entire story, and that’s sad. he wrote poetry, both witty and thoughtful. He had a good sense of humor, a bit dry at times, and sometimes as dry as a desert after days of no rain and only scorching sun. When I first met him I found him a puzzlement, and as I learned to know him a little bit more I found him a delight.

John loved God, and I’m glad for that. He has gone Home. He will be missed greatly, I know, on this dusty planet.

I’m not even sure how to follow these thoughts. And yet life continues for us here.

***Off We Go

Kelsey and I leave for Irvine far too early tomorrow morning, but I’m looking forward to the time there. My heart is happy, knowing (or at least thinking I know!) that Kelsey wants me along for the visit. I would love to have the whole family there, but this will be great fun and I’m anxious to see the campus. I expect we’ll have to purchase a shirt or two … and maybe a mug as well, to go along with the one we have for UCLA (Brandon’s school). Yes, indeed. Look out Irvine … here we come!

***Poetry Group

I met with my three poetry pals this morning. I had nary a poem to share. (“Nary” seems so poetic and I don’t dare use it in a poem so I’ll use it here instead!) I love this group of women! They are my friends. My confidants. My “kind critters” (as in “people who can critique your work without devastation to the ego”). Every time we get together I end up laughing more than I expected. Sometimes I cry too. And that’s just fine.

***Reading

I finally finished Dreiser’s An American Tragedy and the title is appropriate. I am going to refrain from saying much here about it; I’m processing the book and I don’t want to write something I’ll regret. I can say it was a sorry story (not in the way it was written, but the story itself). Ah, the American dream of moving up in the world.

Enough of me. I need my beauty sleep.

Too late … too late … .
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