Someone I know very well once told me two things about myself that still haunt me, and they were told to me many years ago. (No, it’s not anyone who would read this. Trust me on that!)
“You are a snob!”
“You intimidate me.”
They were not said to be mean. They were said as kindly as one can say such things. They were said to help me see things differently. They may have been said to help me change and grow as well.
Now the first is one that doesn’t surprise me. I am a snob. I try not to be (truly!) but I know I’m a snob about certain things, and especially about the arts. But the latter? It seems that in order to intimidate I should be smarter. At least smarter than the person who told me that fact. I was not. I am not. I will never be. I wish I were smarter, but I’m too lazy to put a lot of effort into getting there. Go figure.
A smart person wouldn’t write “Go figure.”
One thing she didn’t say was “You are tremendously judgmental.”
I am that, to be sure.
I had to laugh at myself the other day when I made some harsh judgements about someone I saw on a walk. I was thinking that if that person said, “Don’t judge!” as people do sometimes before or after they do or say something that might bug the observer/listener, I would probably have to respond, “Too late.”
I don’t like these things about myself. Well, I’m not so sure about the intimidation one … perhaps that was more about the person who told me. I wonder. How in the world could a simple person like me be intimidating? But if it IS true, what to do about it?
Another thing that makes me annoyed with myself is my selfishness.
I guess this is my “blog of confession”, isn’t it? My walk brought this on. Actually this has been brewing for a number of walks now.
I’m just very selfish with my time, with my space, and my privacy. I might spout on my blogs, but I’m in control of these places, and I only share the parts of me that I’m willing to share. (Yes, I’m perfectly willing to share my bad traits. I’m not so willing to share my fears and you won’t find me writing too much about those: they are many.)
Do I want to change? Will I work on change?
I really don’t know. I will be quite honest about that.
Here … flowers for your time ….